6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
