if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
