maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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