She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
me + whiskey = a bad person
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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