Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
