i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
