Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
