I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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