Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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