She is in my trunk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize