listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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