I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
