You're my little dorito
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
