he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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