Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
