She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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