Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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