I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
