dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
