I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
