Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
