I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
