I look better un-naked...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
