I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
