where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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