clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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