Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
