Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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