My sheets look like a crime scene.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
