my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
