Already got asked if we're dating
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
