so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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