i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The adults are the big ones right?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
