I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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