i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
