He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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