just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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