I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you didnt know i had herpes?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
