I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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