Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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