Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
