what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize