I'm jealous of your bromance
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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