So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
