it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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