i just sent this text using only my big toe
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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