I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
