Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
