1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
