I got chris browned last night
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
