You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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