Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
