Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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