history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
