Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
