Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
