Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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