She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize