Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
