Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
