I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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