im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
