love makes seman taste better
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
