Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
